here lately i've had this sudden urge to want to buy new sheets. everywhere i go, i look at sheets. there are several sets that i want right now. i can't explain this recent fascination, there isn't anything wrong with my current sheets. they're just fine. and they serve their purpose. i just want more sheets.
also, i also have the same urge to want everything to be really pretty. i catch myself looking at blogs, browsing websites, and lurking in stores for things to decorate with that are pretty. and it just hit me, like a ton of bricks. i think i want to be suddenly be surrounded by all these pretty things because my life has been so, well... ugly. looking at all these pretty things is just little bit of reassurance to me. someday i can have those things.
i have never had an easy life. it has been hardships all along the way. money was always excrutiatingly tight as a child growing up. lots of screaming and yelling. not really having a place to live. a rotten stepdad. an even worse father. lies. you name, i've pretty much been through it. please know, that while i have been extremely embarassed of my short comings growing up, i am not today. i am completely proud of myself for making it. and staying sane. and being the person i am today. and i know that who i am today, is the outcome of how i was raised. generally, i am pretty happy with myself as a whole. and i know that my upbringing is the sole reason for all that.
i daydream all day long about houses i want to live in, colors i want to paint walls, organizing and straightening everything i can get my hands on. i'm living in this constant state of envy. it's me vs. the pretty things and pretty people. although, what i daydream about is the quite opposite from how i live my day to day life. i don't care about my room, or the way it looks. and i think it's because i hate everything about this house that i live in. i don't think it ever has the potential to be "pretty", and the reason i live here, is pretty grim.
when there is an opportunity to leave, and be out for good, something always falls through. it never fails. something always happens. someone always has to back out. all of my roommate options are no longer options, really. everyone is moving on to bigger and better things with boyfriends, and best friends and i'm left out of the equation. because the time apparently isn't right. and i don't really feel like invading anyone's personal time. so, i'm struggling to find a purpose. why am i supposed to keep living here. i get upset over it, and feel like i'm going to be living in my mother's ugly basement for the rest of my life. and unable to have anything pretty, or remotely normal.
so, i'm going to target.com and looking at comforters and coffee tables and shower curtains to feel a little less miserable right now.
also, i didn't really expect this post to end up so personal. especially when i started out talking about sheets. but there you have it. i guess i'm just weird.